Sunday, May 2, 2010

Thank you my lovely ladies part 1

A lazy Sunday morning, a romantic song humming over the headphone, a close to 4 year old laptop and a brain sick for almost 25 years can create magic (black magic to be precise). I have finally decided to pluck up courage at great mortal peril from Miss X to myself to write about adolescent pangs (in this case mostly mine) that I had endured during my brief stay on Planet Earth.Last weekend, during my rare visits on Orkut, I happened to stumble upon the community of my school batch in which I had spent 4 years of adolescence life. I spent the next few hours traversing and discovering people and memories of my school life came rushing back.

Don Bosco School, Bandel(DBB in future references), an all boys' school had its greatest USP(Universally-Accepted Satisfying Point) in the fact that its gates were separated from the gates of Auxillium Convent School(ACS in future references), an all girls' school(imagine a huge blush and smile on the author's face while reading the name) by a road of width 10 feet. Newton's 3rd law suddenly had new meaning here. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. The testosterone levels on this side of the border were reaching alarming heights as were the progesterone levels on the other side. A balance was the order of the day for humanity in the sleepy town of Bandel to survive.

Some essential backgrounds about DBB and ACS:

1. Although DBB elongated to Don Bosco Bandel, the lovely ladies across the border called us Donkey Boys' School.We did not mind the lack of brain as donkeys have a big heart and a few other ahem essential organs.

2. Similarly, ACS (essentially Auxillium Convent School) was elongated to Asses Convent School. WTF, how could we be such morons to end our chances of mating literally ? How can donkeys mate with asses ? (A disgusted look on the author's face).

3. ACS was a co-ed school till class 4(something to do with surging testosterone levels). Now these crossover mutants(who studied till class 4 in ACS and then crossed over to DBB) were the dudes in DBB because they had shared the benches with the lovely ladies of ACS, used the pencils/pens, shared the tiffins and most importantly could give us lovely sinuous insights into the lovely maidens lives' across the road. I think I just adored these duhs because they could sit next to girls of ACS in tuition classes, could say hi and borrow those copies on which the Rapunzels drooled under the strict eyes of their moms.

4. Although, the principals of DBB and ACS referred to each other's school as sister schools and brother schools, the students loved to be independent thinkers. The thought of having sister and brother schools was totally repulsive(as if God's punishment of a sister or brother was not enough). We loved to think "All the world's a stage and men and women merely men and women(in the sense of Darwin's theory of evolution) that's all".

5. DBB boys and ACS girls absolutely hated each other publicly and fantasized privately.Most importantly, a graph of number of girlfriends with time should be a linear curve tending to infinity(if it was already not infinity from birth), is something all the donkeys of DBB believed.

Some Friday in the spring of 1998, 3:20 PM outside the gates

I was standing outside the gates of DBB just when the school was over with the girls of ACS pouring out. I was there on my Hayabusa, with a sculpted body like Salman Khan, topless and a leather trouser, with the girls of ACS streaming all over me with flowers and cards and some other private memorabilia not to be mentioned here, professing their undying love. Suddenly one of them caught me by the shoulder and turned my face towards her. I could see her face coming closer and closer and closer when it turned into the face of my Physics teacher Mr. Bannerjee. He mentioned I had got 105/100 in Physics because he awarded extra marks for solving problems in more than 1 way in the paper and wanted to personally tell me, I had the makings of being great.Shit, who wants to know about Physics problems when I was making breakthroughs in organic chemistry and human biology.

The bus was here (number 4), there were 3 absolute scorching ACS girls(let's call them Miss A, B , C for the sake of anonymity and non traceability on Orkut) on whom I had a crush(in every sense of the word) every alternate day, Monday -> Miss A, Tuesday -> Miss B, Wednesday -> Miss C and the cycle repeated except on Sunday since God took rest on that day remember. It is important to note here the cycle had just started 3 days ago and would end in a month when there would be fresh imports. Anyways, so we get on the bus and Miss A and Miss B sit together while Miss C takes a seat alone on a seat for 2. The situation was perfect, I was doing this slow motion walk towards her as if I was on the ramp for Mr. Universe, each strand of my slick oily hair(thanks mom) was trying its best to swish around but failing and every person was looking at me with their mouths open and Mr. Bannerjee was singing "He got 105 out of 100"(try to imagine that if humanely possible). Suddenly,my sculpted figure was replaced by a lanky frame trying its best to maintain 90 degrees with Earth's surface and my previously sculpted topless body was wrapped in a white shirt which was all brown thanks to Suman's tackle on the football field and my maroon tie sticking out at an odd angle had huge brown spots now. I walked upto the seat and Miss C looked up at me. The feeling is impossible to explain but something which all of us have felt. There is a hot flush on your face and everything seems momentarily frozen, speaking seems to be a difficult job and there is a happiness filling each and every part of your body. The world is suddenly all white and sweet and lovely and the only thing that matters is if that girl can say something which contains your name. Well if you hear violins alongside all this, that's a great addon too.

She gave a faint invisible smile(which I think only I noticed), and moved to the corner of the seat near the window and started to look out of the window. I could see Miss A and Miss B turn their heads and giggle and whisper continuously. I thought it as an ideal time to flaunt my assets, my wrist watch(I was in class 8 and we were allowed to wear wrist watches from class 8). My aunt had given me a funky Mickey mouse watch and I could not help but smirk at the timing. I tried to raise my hand at every odd angle so that she could see it. When her shirt's sleeve fluttered in the wind and brushed against mine, I could feel what astronauts call zero gravity, her hair brushed against mine and when the bus gave an odd lurch she fell on my shoulders and took a bit of time to recover. I could have gone and kissed(smooched as well) the driver then and there. Her body had touched against mine, I had my first brush of adolescent sex. God I am a stud. I was looking at her from the corner of my eyes and I could see she was doing the same as well. This was it, I was Romeo reincarnate and I decided to say the most difficult 2 lettered word for adolescents "HI". I said "Hi C" but curiously my C was drowned by Mr. Banerjee's utterance of the same C and we both looked up in unison at him. Mr. Bannerjee asked me to be obedient and get up and he took my place. I could have enlisted as a jehadi at that moment if someone had given me an AK 47 and asked me to end Mr. Bannerjee's misery at that moment. Sulkily, I got up and went to sit with Debraj(who proclaimed he was my my best friend despite my protests).

For the remainder of the journey I kept giving sidelong glances at Miss C who was having a very bad time with Mr. Bannerjee. Debraj(a living proof of point 5 I put up) was saying that Miss A and B were deep into him and they had just proposed him jointly which he accepted singly and then they took turns sogging him. I asked him how was that possible since they are sitting five rows in front. He said, "I can read minds of girls and this is what they are doing right now(mental sogging). I have crossed the boundaries of love from physical love to mental love". I just told him, "Happy mental fscking". Miss C was getting up from her seat to get down from the bus. Just before she got down she stopped ,cast a furtive glance to the back of the bus and met my eyes. My day was made. See you loser Mr. Bannerjee, THIS is inertia. It is a different matter altogether that the next week she was sitting on the backseat of a Hayabusa with a guy in first year in college.

Some current facts

1. Miss C is now happily married as apparent from her Orkut profile and needless to say she looks fat and ugly now. Her husband does not have a Hayabusa by the way. No, he does not have a bicycle either. He just walks.

2. Miss A is apparently single and on the lookout for love. She still hates DBB boys and can't think of hooking up with DBB boys(though in her scrapbook it's mostly the DBB boys who have left their mark). Come on honey, everyone is not Demi Moore.

3. Miss B has decided to become a spinster. Not surprising, I always thought she was pretty much into girls and a lesbian conspiracy theory is doing the rounds darling.


I have decided to break up some of the memorable indecent sexy and characteristically loud adolescent incidents in my short life over a couple of blog posts. In my last post on this series, I need to also offer a huge clarification to Miss X. I know I am going to get slapped by her but then reliving the memories and seeing how/what we felt is almost exactly similar to what the current DBB donkeys and ACS female donkeys feel is heartening.

Miscellaneous tips

* Please read this blog and look for the double dirty meaning in every line. Trust me there is.

* In case you are wondering who Miss X, refer here.

* If you have read so far and enjoyed the innocently tragic narrative and even visualised some event in your school and you are not on the list of followers of this blog, then please go ahead and click on the "Follow" button on the blog and satisfy the vanity of author. He has infinite vanity by the way. Come on, it does not hurt to click a button.